Collegewise

Two college planning principles for parents

Almost all the advice I give to our Collegewise parents about navigating the college admissions process with their kids falls under one of these two principles: 

1. Remember that you aren’t applying to college—your kid is.

Some parents respond to the stresses of the college admissions process by taking it all on themselves.  But this isn’t happening to you.  You’re not the one who’s taking the SATs and trying to get through AP chem and submitting applications so you can be judged by people you’ve never even met. I know that good parents feel connected to what’s happening in your kids’ lives, but I promise you that freaking out with or for them is just going to make everything worse.  Take a breath and remember that this is happening to them, not you.  It will help you keep calm and be the supportive, encouraging parent your kids need.        

2. Make it your job during this time to set an example for your kids. 

The fact that your kids are going through this process does not give you an excuse to behave like a crazy person.  Your job during this time is to set an example and show your kids how a responsible, healthy, sane adult handles what life throws at us.  Don’t fly off the handle and go to battle with a Spanish teacher to get a grade changed.  Don’t jump in and write your kid’s college essays or fill out applications for him.  And never act like a rejection from any particular college is a life tragedy.  You have experience facing stressful situations, making big life transitions, and dealing with disappointment.  Now is the time to show your kids how it’s done.  Be a supportive voice of reason, a willing listener and an enthusiastic cheerleader.  And remind them that no matter which colleges say yes, you’re still going to love them (and your kids will still need to take out the trash when you ask them to).

Everybody isn’t doing it

Parents, if your kid did something he shouldn’t have done, would you accept the excuse, “Everybody's doing it?”  Most parents wouldn’t. 

You’d tell your kid he needs to be responsible for his own decisions and that he shouldn’t concern himself so much with what other people think.  Remember to follow your own advice as you’re going through your kids’ rides to college.

Other parents are going to insist on turning their kids’ college admissions process into a status competition.  They’ll wedge tutors and test scores and expensive summer programs into your dinner party conversations.  They’ll wage battles with teachers to get grades changed, fill out applications for their kids, and insist that an admission offer from a prestigious college is the only acceptable outcome for their children’s hard work in high school.  They’ll turn what should be an exciting time into something stressful for the entire family.

There will be times you’ll be made to feel like you’re doing something wrong if you don’t join in with those parents.  Don’t do it.  Don’t bow to parent peer pressure.   

Parents get to choose how you treat this time.  Make your own choice, one that’s based on what’s really best for your student.  Plenty of families find ways to make peace with the college admissions process, to be proud that they've raised a good kid no matter where that good kid goes to college.

“Everybody’s doing it” is usually a bad reason to do something. The truth is, "everybody" isn't doing it.

For parents of seniors with unfinished applications

If your senior is still working on applications, try changing…

“How close are you to finishing your applications?”

to…

“I know you’re working hard on your applications.  Is there anything I can do to help?”

Your teen will probably decline, but it will let your kids know that you’re on their side and ready to pitch in.

Bonus tip:  If your kids ask you to review their essays for them, find a friend you and your kids trust to do it.  It’s hard for parents to be objective about their own kids’ stories.  And your student will probably read any suggestions made by their parents as critical rather than constructive.

For parents attending college information sessions

When college admissions officers do information sessions on their campuses or at high schools, a lot of parents ask questions on behalf of their kids.   The fact that a lot of parents approach the reps after the sessions and pepper them with more questions, leaving the kids standing sheepishly in the background, is something of an industry inside joke with admissions officers.  It never sends a very good message about those kids’ preparedness for college.

There is nothing wrong with parents joining their kids at these sessions (when parents pay the bills, they have the right to learn more about the schools).  And you should always feel free to ask an honest question if you have one.  But don’t ask questions for your students.   Let them approach the admissions officer afterward.  It's endearing when a parent is relegated to the background while the kid takes charge.  It's not endearing when those roles are reversed.

For parents: Don’t make everything about college

It’s possible for kids to be too focused on getting into college. 

It’s good to encourage kids to care about their college futures.  But if that focus leads them to make every decision in high school based on how it will look to colleges, they’re trying to game the system rather than follow their own interests.  And that never works in college admissions.

A student should be able to love playing the trumpet even if he’s not good enough at it to play in a college marching band.  A student should be able to take a cooking class over the summer with no regard for whether or not colleges will appreciate it.  A student should be happy with her part time job at the mall even if it’s not as impressive sounding as an internship at a law firm.  And there should always be time allotted for things that have absolutely nothing to do with college, like getting adequate sleep, reading a book about baseball, and enjoying general teenage goofing off. 

Kids that tie every decision to how it will look to colleges end up sounding like drones.  They’ve approached high school like a checklist to be completed rather than a time to learn, find their interests and even have some fun along the way.

It’s no accident that so many college applications ask students to talk about their favorite subjects or teachers, the activity that’s meant the most to them, what they do for fun, what their hobbies are, and what part of college they’re most excited about.  Kids who’ve approached high school with a single-minded devotion to pleasing colleges never have answers to those questions like the kids who’ve led balanced lives do. 

Fulfilled adults have learned how to balance a devotion to their work with their enjoyment of family, friends, hobbies and things that will never earn them a raise.  Help your kids to find that balance in high school.  They’ll be happier, more successful college applicants if you do.   

Don't fight the sixth senses

If you put a college essay in front of me that a parent got a little too involved with, a parent who took too many editing or flat out writing liberties, I’ll know it.  Immediately.  After doing this for 12 years and reviewing as many applications as I have, I’ve developed a sixth sense for this kind of thing.  Most counselors do.  

But after even just one year on the job, most admissions officers will have already read more applications than I have.  How good do you think their sixth senses are?  Pretty damn good.

Parents see the world differently than 17-year-olds do.  But the colleges want to hear the 17-year-olds’ thoughts, not the parents’.  In fact, most admissions officers are much closer in age to kids than they are to parents.  Maybe that’s why their sixth senses are so good?  They know when something didn’t come from a teenager.

So parents, let your students do the applications and essays themselves.  It’s fine to proofread and offer feedback, but once you start jumping in and doing it for them, you’re going too far.  And the sixth senses will know.  It’s not worth the risk.  

Parents get to make a choice

Parents, you get to decide how you approach the college admissions process.  But before you make the decision, remember that you’ll only get to do this once.

You may get to repeat the process with your other kids, but in most cases, you only get to go through the college application process one time with each of them.

So it’s up to you.  You can get caught up in the academic arms race and make the entire process about GPAs, test scores and whether or not one dream college will say yes.  You can spend more time trying to fix your kid’s perceived college admissions weaknesses and less time celebrating her natural strengths.  You can listen to the other parents who want to turn this into a status competition and base the success or failure on the prestige of the college your student attends (or doesn’t attend).

Or you can decide that you’re going to enjoy this time together as a family.

You can celebrate just how many great colleges there are from which to choose.  You can encourage your student to try her best and reward the effort rather than the outcome.  You can find the fun in learning about colleges and taking the campus tours.  You can enjoy this time together, knowing the name of the particular college your student goes to will be much less important than what he or she does while there.

Please don’t tell me you’re forced to choose the first approach because “the process has gotten so competitive.”  There are about 1900 colleges that still accept almost everyone who applies, so nobody is forcing your hand. You get to decide how to approach this.

But you only get to make that decision once with each of your kids.          

Why good parenting includes a taper period

Every good marathon training program, from those meant for amateurs to those for Olympic-level elites, includes a gradual “taper period” 2-3 weeks before the big race.  During a taper period, runners do something counterintuitive—they run less and rest more.  The running reality is that three weeks before a race, you’ve already made whatever fitness gains you were going to make from your intensive training program.  Resting those final 2-3 weeks actually makes you stronger than had you continued at the same intensity.

That’s a lot like how parents should approach preparing your kids to go to college.

For parents, raising kids and preparing them to go out into the world is a lot like going through a marathon training program.  For about the first 16 years, you’re in the intensive part of the training program where you do everything for your kids.  You read to them when they’re little and a few years later help them with their homework. You have parent-teacher conferences, sign them up for soccer teams, drive them to karate class, and assume all the associated responsibilities that come with raising kids.   

But as your kids approach the college years, you’ve got to taper off. 

For kids to be successful once they get to college, they need to have experience dealing with things on their own, solving their own problems, and finding their own way.  And the only way for them to get the chance to do that is for parents to taper by stepping back and letting kids start learning how to do those things on their own.  

You’re not going to make your kids more prepared by continuing to do everything for them any more than a marathoner would be more prepared by training hard right up until race day.  The taper is crucial. 

Don’t find volunteer opportunities for your kids and sign them up.  Taper off and let them find and secure their own opportunities. 

Don’t fire off an email to the English teacher when you find out your son is struggling.  Encourage him to advocate for himself, letting him visit the teacher to ask for some guidance. 

Don’t choose the colleges, fill out the applications and take over the process for your kids.  Doing everything for them was the intensive part of the program.  Now it’s time to taper and cheer from the sidelines, offering guidance when asked. 

That’s the art of the parenting taper period.  And every happy, confident, successful college applicant I’ve ever known who went on to flourish in college benefited from a similar program.

How to talk to students about college

I wrote a post in 2009 listing fifty things you can do in college, even if the school isn't a famous one.  Then Katie in our Bellevue, Washington office did something really smart.  She printed it up on cardstock, put a star next to each item on the list that she did while she was in college at Colgate University, and displayed it on her desk.  Here's why it's so great.

Her students love it. They ask her questions about her college life, what it was like and how she met her future maid of honor in the dorms (that's one of the items on the list).  They love that this professional, responsible person in front of them put stars next to "Go to parties--good ones," "Take road trips," and "Eat peanut butter sandwiches for dinner."  They get to hear how much she loved her major, how she met her mentor during an internship in the admissions office, and how that led to her becoming a college counselor.  Best of all, they see documented proof that you don't have to go to an Ivy League school to be happy and successful.

High school counselors, what would happen if you put that list up on your desk and were totally honest about where to place the stars?  I guarantee that whether you're 24 or 64, your students will want to talk to you about it.

Parents, what would happen if you starred your own list and shared it with your kids?  What conversations would you have together that you haven't had yet?  Would it help you both relax a little and just talk about college, maybe even get more excited about the process?

Want to find out?

An admissions anxiety antidote for parents

Parents, if you’re feeling anxious about your student’s college process, if you're worrying more than you’d like to worry about GPAs, SAT scores, and whether or not the dream school will say yes, try this.

Talk to any parent whose recently graduated senior is now packing and preparing to leave for college.

Some of those parents’ kids got into their dream schools—many more of them did not.  But most future college freshmen can’t help but be excited about what’s in store, whether or not the school is famous.  And happy kids make for happy parents.

After all the report cards, SAT scores, tutors, broken curfews, breakups, slipups, rejections, and everything else that seemed so trying during the high school years, watching your student leave for college—any college—is a pretty exciting day.

It’s happening for them, and it will happen for you, too.